My thoughts on ...

I was leading a small group over a decade ago when I ran into an obstacle. I was working with an older man who had spent most of his adult life in front of a computer. He was strong of mind…very strong of mind.

When I asked him what he was feeling, he could not identify anything. And I mean ANYTHING! He spent so much of his life in front of his computer or doing so much mind-driven work that his awareness of feeling was completely atrophied. 

Being strong of mind is never a problem…however…to use another gym metaphor: It is possible to overtrain one body part and completely negate another. Not only had his body become soft and unresponsive, but so had other unused parts of his mind. He could not identify his emotions. And, when I lightly stroked his arm, he could not even identify soft physical sensations.

That particular man had made a two-fold move. Yes, he had (1) spent too much of his life in front of his computer, using, strengthening, and expressing one part of himself. But, he had also (2) gravitated to it as a reaction to life’s difficulties. It was easy and safe. Something that we would later uncover was a deeply difficult and painful childhood. Traumatic experiences had driven him inward, keeping him alone, and he stayed there for decades.

To live a well rounded life, one must have a well-rounded practice and connection to self. Too many men will train their bodies, develop their careers, build their stock portfolios, and be some kind of social, but never develop a connection to their physical or emotional self. They don’t have a real sense of connection to self and purpose. These connections are necessary for a fulfilling life. 

There is a whole field of research regarding “intrapersonal intelligence.” Most people are familiar with “IQ” as it regards cognitive intelligence, and many people have become familiar in recent years with “EQ” (emotional intelligence with others). Few have heard of “SQ” (Self-Quotient). SQ is a measure of the intelligence that one has with oneself. 

There are a number of practices available, such as Focusing by Dr. Eugene Gendlin or Somatic Experiencing by Dr. Peter Levine, for developing SQ. These are practices that espouse self-inquiry into the immediate sensations and feelings of a human being for a better life. You must know what you are feeling to know what is important to you, let alone to feel anything good.

Like the man above, it is a difficult move for many men to know what they are feeling, emotionally or physically. Due to cultural shame, bad examples of manhood, and traumatic experiences we are encouraged to “not cry about it” for fear of being “less than a man.” I assure you, it is the “stronger man” who gives credence to his own experience. It takes more awareness, courage, strength, resilience, resourcefulness, and intelligence to feel and acknowledge what one feels. 

Feeling is essential to recovery from emotional injury and imperative for personal growth. You need to know what the problem is before you can fix it. If there is a part of life you are missing out on, we can find it.