My thoughts on ...

Navigating relationships and family dynamics seems scary or bewildering for most people. Have you ever found it difficult to disagree with someone? Especially if they’re close to you? Or what about going home for the holidays? There are, however, choices you can make to help you in your relating with others close to you.

I have found that good relating is much like a dance. To be good at dancing or relating takes practice. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, both of you must be fully present, skilled, and desiring of the dance for it to work.

Perhaps those are the three biggest insights I can offer in a blog about navigating relationships and family dynamics. Practice skills. Practice presence. Choose to be there because you want to be there.

1. Be skilled. Learn the skills of relationship. Relating is at the same time simple, and a deep well of complexity to fully understand and practice. Take listening for example.

Listening seems simple…right? When you listen, what is your intent? You can listen to offer sympathy. You can listen to offer empathy (not the same thing as sympathy). You can listen to advise. You can listen to challenge. You can listen to help the speaker explore. You can listen to reflect. You can listen to share a similar experience. You can listen to affirm. You can listen in opposition - Do you listen only to have an argument or an answer? Yes, clearly you can listen with many intents. Listening, in an age where most people seem to only want to be heard, is a lost art and a superpower. It is an essential skill to healthy relating. 

Learn who you are. Learn what you need. Learn how to connect with others in your needs. Learn skills for connection. Simple, and yet complex.

1. Be present. What does it mean to be present in a relationship? First, it means being in the conversation, being in the connection, giving it 100% of your attention. Be committed to where you are and who you’re with. The most glaring example of “not present” is being on a date and looking at your phone. (Hopefully this goes without saying…do not be on your phone during a date! Do both of you a favor and leave your phone in the car.)

Pay attention not only to the moment in a relationship, but notice the longer term trends. Are you repeating bad mistakes or are you engendering good habits? How do you qualify the quality of your relationship? Is it good? Is it one that you want to be in? This leads me to the final point:

1. Want to be there! Do you want to be in the relationships and connections that you’re in? Have you chosen to be there? Are you there out of a sense of duty or obligation? What compels you to be there?

Choosing to be in the relationship is really step one. Choosing to be there is the foundation for anything else I could really say. Too many men are in relationships that they are not fully choosing to be in. If you are even 1% checked out, she’s going to notice. It may show as resignation. It may show as apathy. Ultimately, she will notice if you are not 100% in and committed.

One of my mentors came up with a conflict resolution model many years ago. He calls the first step “Yes!” because it is a yes to life, it is a yes to the mess, it is a yes to being in the conflict (or the joy) no matter what. Everything else will depend on where your heart really is. If it’s not in the game, then let’s figure out why.

Wrapping it up, what are the secrets to navigating relationships and family dynamics? Show up! Show up fully! Show up fully with good skills. (And if you don’t know how to do these or you’re still having trouble, let’s figure it out together.)